This Animal I Have Become
by BeamMeDownCastiel
Summary: Steve is devastated by the loss of his friend. But Bucky isn't completely lost, is he? Rated M for smut in second chapter. This fanfic is for ivehadenoughrest. Just pure Stucky.
1. Chapter 1

**It** didn't seem fair to Steve that most times he was in a flying ship, whether it was a helicarrier or a ridiculously large plane, he ended up in a comatose state. Well, at least it would if he wasn't unconscious. His brain was elsewhere, not in the hospital bed, not in the water, and not complaining about the previous circumstances. No, instead it was with James Buchanan 'Bucky' Barnes, where he believed he should be.

"**Come** on, Steve. It doesn't look that bad."

"Are you looking at me or yourself? I look ridiculous." Steve was trying on one of Bucky's finer shirts. All of his clothes were… pretty basic. Cheap material. But Bucky had insisted Steve borrowed one for today. The shirt hung off his body, making him look smaller than usual- if that was at all possible. Even after he tucked it in to he pants, he looked like he was drowning.

"Well, yeah. But it's a family get together; you're not supposed to be looking for a dame. And if you are you've got a whole lot of issues."

"Most people would say I had a whole lot of issues anyway, Buck."

"Most people don't know you like I do."

"Lucky them."

"Shut up. Come on, we're gonna be late." Bucky's arm curled around Steve's tiny shoulders like it always did. It comforted Steve, made him feel safe. He allowed himself to be guided away from his bedroom, and was stopped in front of the door.

"Let's have a look at you," Bucky said, turning Steve to face him. The taller man ran his hand through Steve's floppy blonde hair, pushing it back over his head. His hands smoothed out the baggy shirt, and stopped at Steve's hips. "There, see? It's not so bad, is it?" Bucky muttered, eyes scanning the blonde's face closely, his toothy grin and crinkled eyes making Steve's heart flutter.

"I guess not." He whispered begrudgingly, making Bucky nod with satisfaction. He reached past Steve and opened the door, and the pair stepped into the bright sunshine.

**Bucky** still jumped from time to time when someone appeared unannounced. His capture had changed him, but it was only in ways that were expected. Jumping, absentmindedness, constantly waking up screaming. No one noticed because, well, everyone else did the same. It wasn't as if Bucky regretted joining the army- quite the opposite. He had never been happier. Being useful, an asset to his country, a hero for the masses. He'd made some great friends, ones he hoped he would never forget. Howard Stark, the man he'd envied and admired for so long often shared a drink or several with his group of Howling Commandos.

And then there was Steve. Bucky was still amazed by the change in him. Yes, he was still stubborn, was constantly picking fights (although this time it was with more than a chance of winning), had more sarcasm than a pissed off teen, and ignored more orders than most soldiers. But his physical appearance was… amazing, for lack of a better word. Muscular, tall. He was almost unrecognizable, if it weren't for the stupid grin he got on his face when he got a compliment or Peggy walked passed. Bucky didn't envy him, though. After all, Steve couldn't get drunk.

Bucky was sat on the edge of his bed, waiting for one of the camp showers to become vacant. He couldn't wait until their next mission, this time they were going to attempt to capture Schmidt's right hand man, Arnim Zola, from his train. They had planned the whole thing brilliantly, and two days from now they would be carrying it out. He was nervous, but apparently none of the others were. Jim still snored like a dog. Dugan carried out his usual "I was just showering, so what if I want to take a long shower. Tossing yourself off is a sin, you know, God guys what do you take me for" act. The thought of Dugan's protest to the guys jokes made Bucky laugh aloud.

"What's so funny?" Steve's amused voice sounded from behind him, making Bucky peer over his shoulder at his friend.

"Nothing. Just Dum's ability to be easily offended. How was the shower?"

"Cold. Really cold, I'm about eighty percent sure Philips is punishing me for something."

"Only eighty percent?" Bucky grinned. Despite Steve's complaint about the cold, he was only dressed in a towel, which was wrapped around his waist. It seemed that the only thing that didn't grow in size when they injected him with serum was his waist, because the thing was as small as ever. Steve's body was a work of art. His abs glistened with water, which trickled down from his soaking wet hair. His powerful muscles rippled under his skin as he moved toward his own bed next to Bucky, who found himself staring at him.

Bucky's heart was pounding in his chest, and he wasn't sure why. He watched as Steve sat in front of him; with his lopsided grin spread on his face.

"What's the matter, Buck? Are you afraid of a cold shower? I'd have thought you were used to 'em by now."

Bucky couldn't stop himself. Before he even realized what he was doing, he had leant forward, cupped Steve's cheek and pressed his lips firmly to the other man's. Steve tensed, obviously surprised by the kiss, but he didn't stop Bucky. But before he could kiss him back, the brunette pulled away, the hand that had pulled Steve's face to his own moving to scratch the back of his head. Embarrassed wasn't a good enough word to describe the regret Bucky felt.

"Steve, I'm sorry," he couldn't finish his sentence, and swiftly stood, gathered his shower bag and left the room. Steve sat on the edge of his bed, his expression still shocked.

**That** was one of the last memories Steve had of Bucky. And to this day he regretted not kissing him back sooner, of replying in some way other than stunned silence. But the time that he could have done something about his regret was passed, because now he now found himself waking up in a hospital bed. Bucky was long gone, and The Winter Soldier probably assumed his mission was dead. This thought brought a lump to his throat, but he realized he wasn't alone before the tears could spill down his cheeks. He could hear the quiet sounds of music from his right, but the lyrics were all blurred together.

"On your left."

The sound of Sam's voice made him smile with relief. His eyes fluttered open, and he peered out of the corner of his eye at his friend.

"You've been asleep, man. For five days now. I guess that's a personal best, right? Least time slept in the past seventy years?"

"Very funny," Steve croaked, his throat sore from the lack of speaking. "What'd I miss?"

"Straight to business? Nah, man. You need to relax. You just saved the world again."

"You helped."

"Helped? I owned that bitch. You would've got no where without me."

"That's true. Thanks Sam."

"Don't mention it. Unless it's in front of women. Then mention it as much as you want."

Steve chuckled, shaking his head.

"Listen, buddy. I'm gonna go get a nurse, you try and not fall back into a coma, okay?"

"Okay."

"Atta boy."

And with that, Sam left the room. Leaving Steve alone, to think on everything that had happened. SHIELD was gone. Well, technically it was never there but nevertheless he would need a new job. He couldn't help but wonder where The Winter Soldier was now. Would he go back to his commanders? Now Pierce was gone, what would happen to him? A small sigh escaped Steve's throat. He knew Bucky would never come back to him, yet he still couldn't stop worrying about his friend. After all, he made him a promise.


	2. Chapter 2

**Steve** had been out of hospital for a couple of weeks. He had met up with Natasha and Sam who had told him everything he had missed. Apparently everyone had moved on to new jobs and the government were cleaning up HYDRA's mess. It helped him relax, his guilt from losing the jobs of several hundred people prevented him from having a good nights sleep.

"Not like you really needed it, though." Sam said, shrugging off Steve's confession one day whilst they were having lunch.

"You really know how to comfort a man."

"Hey, all I'm saying is that you're getting all worked up for no reason. All SHIELD workers that weren't associated with HYDRA were given jobs. Most of them belonged to the people who were supporting HYDRA, so it's okay."

"You're right."

"I know."

"You must have missed the line when they were giving out humility, huh."

"Probably, or you got my dose, too."

"What?"

"I don't know, I couldn't think of a witty comeback."

"Right."

**Steve** climbed up the stairs to his apartment, after being convinced by Tony and Natasha to "go out and have a good time". Their idea of a good time was having a drinking competition so fierce they all got kicked out of the bar. The pair of drunks had carried themselves to Stark Tower, insisting that Steve went home. This wasn't a problem, because Steve hadn't really been in the mood to go out anyway.

He pushed his key into the lock, clicking the door open and moving his hand to turn on the light. Before he could flick the switch, a quiet and mechanical voice from across the room stopped him.

"Please, don't."

The voice made Steve's head snap to the source. The lights from the city were enough to illuminate the hunched figure opposite him. The silence that followed the request was deafening, dragging on for what seemed like an age.

"Hey, Buck." Steve choked. He would recognize that voice anywhere, no matter what manipulated it. Bucky didn't reply, but simply stepped away towards the window, facing the still humming city beneath them.

"Is it... always this loud at night?" He asked in a monotone voice.

Steve closed the distance between them, standing beside Bucky. He ignored the city, instead facing the man next to him. His arm glistened in the dim light, each segment of the metal catching the light in a different way to the last. His clothes were shaggy, his hair unkempt. His face was sullen, and his stubble betrayed the fact he obviously hadn't washed in days.

"Yeah. You get used to it, though."

Bucky looked over at him, his whole body turning as he did. The metal arm moved silently to Steve's forehead, where it brushed the blonde locks back. Bucky's face looked lost, confused, scared. Vulnerability Steve had never seen on those features before. He offered a small smile to him, hoping his friend recognized him once more. The corners of Bucky's mouth twitched into an attempt at a smile, something now so foreign to him. His hand brushed down to Steve's neck, holding it gently. Steve tensed, not sure if this would be another attempt at killing him. His body had healed from the last time, but he was still cautious. That made him sad, he didn't want to be cautious. He wanted to pull Bucky into his arms once more, tell him that everything would be fine.

"Steven Grant Rogers."

"That's me," Steve whispered, his heart skipping a beat with the joy that surged through him.

"I'm w-with you, pal." Bucky muttered, frowning.

"Till the end of the line." Steve finished for him, tears forming in his eyes. "C'me here, Buck." He choked out, wrapping his arms around Bucky's waist and pulling him into his chest. This time it was Bucky's turn to clench up, unsure what to do in the embrace. Steve could feel him pulling away, so held him tighter, and burying his face in his shoulder. The metal was cold against his cheek, but he didn't care. Slowly, Bucky's arms wrapped around his shoulders, holding the blonde in away the felt both familiar and strange.

They stood in silence, holding each other for several minutes. Neither said a word. Even when Steve pulled back from the embrace, they were silent. Instead, he simply cupped Bucky's face with both hands, and returned the kiss that was given to him all those years ago. Bucky's response was instant, gripping Steve's shirt and pulling at it.

The shirt was ripped off Steve's torso in one action. Steve pulled the zipper of Bucky's hoodie and pushed it off his shoulder. His t-shirt was ripped off and thrown over the couch. Bucky pulled Steve away from the window, and the pair fell back onto the floor. This didn't bother either of them; their hands busy with the buttons and zippers of each other's pants. Bucky sat up; pulling Steve onto his lap at he did so. Steve's hand gripped the back of Bucky's hair, ignoring the grease under his fingers. Bucky tasted like alcohol and cheap beef, but he didn't care.

"Wait," Steve breathed, breaking away from Bucky's lips, "I'll be right back." And with that, he stood up, and stumbling into the bedroom. He found a bottle of lube and the condoms Stark bought him as a joke for his birthday. He returned to the living room, where Bucky sat on the floor, his cock already hardening. Just the sight of him sitting there, completely naked with his legs splayed ready him to come back turned Steve on.

Steve knelt in front of Bucky, ripping the condom packet with his teeth and rolling the rubber onto Bucky's now fully erect cock. He squirted the lube onto his hand and rubbed it up and down his shaft, the action making Bucky take in a sharp breath. Then, he climbed back into Bucky's lap, the brunette lining his cock with Steve's entrance. Steve slowly lowered himself onto Bucky. It hurt at first, but he didn't care. There eyes met, filled with lust and a need for each other. But there was also love buried deep beneath those emotions, a love they both remembered. Slowly, Steve began to move so Bucky pumped in and out of him. Bucky's mouth opened, and he began to thrust with Steve's movements. A growl escaped his throat and suddenly Steve was on his back with Bucky pinning his down. Each of Bucky's thrusts made Steve groan, his hands clawing at Bucky's back. Bucky's head was buried in Steve's throat, pulling at the skin with his teeth and sucking gently. His hands balled into fists, and he slammed them on the floor next to Steve's head. A breathless moan slipped out of Steve's throat, but it was drowned out by Bucky.

"Shit, Steve- Oh _god_."

Soon, Steve was on the edge of his orgasm, and pulled Bucky's face to his own, pressing a firm and passionate kiss on his lips as Bucky climaxed only seconds after himself. Their breathing was heavy, and Bucky collapsed on Steve's chest, pulling out of him and slowly pulling off the condom. Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky, holding him in his arms. They lay there in silence for a while, glistening with sweat and waiting for their breath to return to normal. Steve listened as Bucky's breathing slowed and soon became soft snores, and smiled. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt this happy, but he always knew that it was Bucky that brought on that joy.


End file.
